Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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