Dude my mom stole all your condoms
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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