u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
