this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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