If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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