There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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