My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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