dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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