First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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