I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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