Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
