I am puke
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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