Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
