It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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