how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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