His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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