Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
