Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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