my mouth tastes like poor choices
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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