Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i think i have herpe
just one?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
