just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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