Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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