my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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