Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hippo gnu deer
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
