Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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