happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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