This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
