You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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