He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
