Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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