Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
