Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
