I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
