Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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