she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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