Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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