Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
dude. I can hear the air.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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