what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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