can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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