College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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