Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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