last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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