We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
