Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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