Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
