I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I got inside last night via doggy door
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
