what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
