god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
