your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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