Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
