If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize