well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
