the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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