Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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