you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
