my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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